his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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