Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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