I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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