Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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