The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
