The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
