i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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