I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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