he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
