The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
