I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
