My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
being pregnant is like rehab
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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