Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
