Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
