I just threw up on my dentist
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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