is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
