hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
