after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i dont even know how to be here
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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