a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it's like iHOP with fire
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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