WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
