Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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