Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
