Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
two words...techno handjob
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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