Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
