You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
