I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
