Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
