Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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