Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
