can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
