I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
