my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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