I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
