i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
