Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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