Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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