Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
