running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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