We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
