I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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