I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize