i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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