You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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