we have pet lesbian snakes
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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