the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
