I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize