apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
