dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i think my tv is drunk
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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