Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
