Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There r osticjed everywhere
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize