ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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