Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
