im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
