youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
