every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
