a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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