Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
