I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
