Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The beer is more important than you right now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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