She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
