i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
