In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
