go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
