Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize