Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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